I am grateful for my son. I’m kind of late in writing this, November is over after all. But I find that I’m having a tough time coming up with the words to describe how I feel about my little guy. Instead of trying to write something complicated and flowery, I figured I couldn’t go wrong just talking about the awesomeness that is mothering a small child.
Nothing in my life ever felt quite like having little fingers wrapped tight around my neck and a sweet little face pressed against mine. I never knew anyone could find the courage to face the world by embracing me with all my limited-social-skills awkwardness. I love the need my son has for contact with me, to be picked up and held for any reason and no reason. And then just as quickly, he decides that he needs to separate from me, and my offers of kisses and hugs go rebuffed. And I’m grateful for this as well, this opportunity to teach someone that touching someone or not is always his decision to make.
Having a child is like holding up a big mirror on your whole life. Do you use profanity? I do, and I occasionally hear it from Liam. It’s a solid reminder of how much I don’t like hearing that kind of talk myself, even from people old enough to use that kind of language. Does your child trust you when you say you’ll do something later? It means you’ve been trustworthy with him or her. Did your child run around Micheal’s the whole entire time you were shopping, occasionally squealing very loudly? No, just me? Well, it means I’m not a perfect parent either.
From the beginning, he seemed like he had come from another planet, Liam was just so much cooler than his parents. I’d expected to have a healthy baby with a normal baby disposition or perhaps a difficult one. I got a baby with bad health problems but who seemed to understand how good life was whenever he didn’t feel bad. He had (and still has) a low-key go-with-the-flow type personality that really surprised us. And he was so good. He helped Mike and I see that we were good once too. You really can’t put any sort of price tag on that experience.
When you see yourself reflected in a child’s eyes, you see yourself, perfected. When I was young, it felt false to me. This kid thinks I’m some awesome person that I’m not and how will I ever keep up the ruse? And I know that my child loves me for being his mommy and I understand that his love and esteem at this point is mostly undeserved. But parenting also gives us an opportunity. I can be worthy of that love. I can be worthy of that esteem. This adventure doesn’t have to end with disillusionment and regret. I can be the woman he believes I am. I can be who I really am with him.
And he is good. Just this evening, he made a mess and then I told him to clean it up and he did, and I only had to ask him once. I told him how happy I was that he did as I asked and gave him a kiss. And he was off to his next adventure of the evening.
Goodness does not have to be relegated to the past though. And sweetness need not be a stage for my child to outgrow. Our adventure together is still only beginning. And I just love where he is taking me. How does your child let you know you’re a wonderful person? What is wonderful about your child or children?
SleeplessinSummerville 