The pursuit of…

My Father-in-Law passed away last week after being in the hospital for the past two months.  He lived with Hepatitis C for several years, and in spite of all the treatments he tried, it destroyed his liver.  When I came home from the funeral, I texted my mother and wondered why I didn’t hear back from her.  I texted again this morning and got a reply this time, that she was too busy to talk.  Then my aunt called me and told me she was in the hospital.  I can always think of things to say about situations like these, and I was even sort of planning on one relating to my father-in-law’s death, but right now I’d like to write something more lighthearted.

With all that’s been going on in my life and my family’s life, I’d begun to feel very sad (kind of unusual for me) and eventually I wondered whether I had slipped into clinical depression.  So I did what anyone with a computer and a modicum of internet savvy does: I looked up the symptoms of depression online to see if I was experiencing them.  I got hung up on the question of whether I was experiencing “Loss of interest in pleasure.”  Liam has begun to repeat things, like more specifically bad words.  You knew that.  I wouldn’t mind if he repeated other things.  And what I’m finding is that, while I have gained a new appreciation for shows like “Blue’s Clues” and “The Fresh Beat Band,” I actually miss watching the shows I watched before I had Liam.  I just don’t find time for many things I really enjoy doing outside of talking to people, writing occasionally and playing with Liam.  I think I always  believed that my tastes in things would change once I became a Mama.  I still feel profoundly changed, but I’m starting to see a few of the things about myself that have not changed.  For instance, I really wish I could watch “The Venture Brothers” and “Dexter.”  I still like Asian gangster movies and can still watch those as long as they are subtitled and make sure Liam isn’t looking at the gory parts.  Other than that, I’m not so sure what I wish I had time to do.  It’s not even that I’ve lost myself since having Liam.  Even before he came along, I have the vague sense of having spent a lot of time watching movies I really didn’t like with Mike, who has a remarkable amount of patience for watching movies for ironic enjoyment.  That guy has a passion for bad movies.  Personally, I prefer to like things for the unironic pleasures they hold. Maybe I should try to watch “Heathers” or “Zoolander” again to see if I still like them.

So what about you?  If you won the lottery or something and no longer had to keep house and could delegate child care and whatever else you wished, what would you do with your time? Did parenthood change your taste in movies or TV shows?

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